Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bob Stoops, ASSMAN.

Inspired by the A&M Wrecking Crew defense's three (3!) goal line stands against the OU.
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(At the College Station, TX Department of Motor Vehicles)


Photobucket DMV Teller: Here are your new plates.

Photobucket Bob Stoops: Thanks.


(opens envelope) 


Photobucket



Photobucket Stoops: Assman?  No, no these don't belong to me.  I'm not the ASSMAN.  I think there's been a mistake.


Photobucket Teller: What's your name again?

Photobucket Stoops: Bob Stoops.

Photobucket Teller: (looking at computer) Bob. Stoops. You ARE the ASSMAN!

Photobucket Stoops: No, I'm not the ASSMAN.

Photobucket Teller: Well, as far as the state of Texas is concerned, you are.





************************

(Back at Jerry's apartment)


Photobucket George: Did you get your new plates?

Photobucket Stoops: Oh, yeah, I got my new plates. But they mixed them up, somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.

Photobucket George: What do they say?

Photobucket Stoops: ASSMAN.

Photobucket Jerry: ASSMAN?

Photobucket Stoops: Yeah, ASSMAN, Jerry.  I'm Bob Stoops, the ASSMAN.


*********************

(ASSMAN walking onto Kyle Field)


Photobucket Security Guard:  Can I help you?

Photobucket Stoops: Yeah, Coach Bob Stoops, ASSMAN.

Photobucket Guard: Ohhh, ok. Sorry bout that.

Photobucket Stoops: Have a good day.


***************************

(cut to the sideline, OU trails by 14 with 2 minutes left. OU has the ball, 1st and goal from the A&M 4-yard line)


Photobucket Stoops: I can't believe how close we are to scoring.  We might still win this game.


Photobucket Estelle: Oh, really?

Photobucket Stoops: Oh, yeah.  I'm gonna call a basic pass play and then hand the ball off to DeMarco Murray 3 times in a row.


Photobucket Estelle: Oh, well there isn't much time left on the clock.  And the Wrecking Crew has already stopped you twice inside the 5.


Photobucket 12th Man: YO ASSMAN!

Photobucket 12th Man: LOOK AT THE ASSMAN!

Photobucket Estelle: Did he say ASSMAN?

Photobucket Stoops: Yeah...

Photobucket Estelle: Ohh... my goodness.

Photobucket 12th Man: HEY THE ASSMAN IS IN TOWN.

Photobucket Stoops: You got that straight!

Photobucket Estelle: Boy I didn't know how loud the 12th Man was.


(the ASSMAN gets stopped short by the Wrecking Crew)


(long moment of awkwardness)


*****************************

(later that night at Frank's apartment)


Photobucket Estelle: ..and Stoops made a stupid playcall.

Photobucket Frank: Stoops made a stupid playcall?  You're crazy.

Photobucket Estelle:  I'm not crazy, he ran the same play 3 times in a row inside the 5 and got stopped short.


Photobucket Frank: He stopped short?

Photobucket Estelle: (nods)

Photobucket Frank: That's my move.  I'M GONNA KILL HIM!.


****************************

(walking down the street, Frank sees Stoop's car, sporting the ASSMAN license plate)


Photobucket Frank: ASSMAN?!??!  I'LL GIVE HIM ASSMAN!!!


*********************************

(Frank storms into Jerry's apartment)

Photobucket Jerry: Mr. Costanza, what's the...

Photobucket Frank: Where's your friend Stoops?

Photobucket Jerry: I don't know, why?

Photobucket Frank: Cuz I'm looking for him, that's why. He stopped short.

Photobucket Jerry: Well, what do you mean?

Photobucket Frank: Against A&M, in the redzone.  He stopped short.  3 TIMES!. You don't think I know what that's about.  That's my old move.
I used it against Bo Jackson 24 years ago.  I told everybody about it. Everybody knows, ugggghhhhh, I stop short.


Photobucket Jerry: Stop short? That's a good move.

Photobucket Frank: YOU'RE NOT KIDDIN, IT'S A GOOD MOVE.

(Stoops walks in)

Photobucket Stoops: HEY, Frank!

Photobucket Frank: Don't "Frank!" me.  I know what you did.  How dare you stop short in the redzone?


Photobucket Stoops: Ahh, Frank, relax.  I don't even know what you're talking about.

Photobucket Frank: YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW, ASSSMAAANN!  To think, I almost split the profits on the mansiere with you.


Photobucket Stoops: Bro!

Photobucket Frank: MANSIERE!

Photobucket Stoops: BRO!

Photobucket Frank: MANSIERE!! YOU...

(Frank and ASSMAN begin to grapple.  Frank falls, landing on Fucelli Barry Switzer)

Photobucket Frank: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Photobucket Jerry: Oh, my god!


******************************

(Everyone rushes to the proctologist)


Photobucket Jerry: If I wasn't there, I wouldn't believe it.

Photobucket Elaine: Me either.

Photobucket George: A&M was just the better team.  The Wrecking Crew is back!

Photobucket Jerry: He had to call 3 straight runs.

(everyone winces)

Photobucket Stoops: Jerry, Jerry, come take a look at this.  The name on the boat, look at it.


Photobucket Jerry: ASSMAN!

Photobucket Stoops: Yeah, he's the ASSMAN.  Jerry, he's the ASSMAN.

(doctor walks in)

Photobucket Dr. Scott Drew: Who's the son?

Photobucket George: I am.

Photobucket Dr. Drew: Ahh, I'm Dr. Scott Drew.  I just want you to know, this won't take long, he's going to be fine.


Photobucket Stoops: Yeah, excuse me, uh, you didn't by any chance just recently get the wrong license plates?


Photobucket Dr. Drew: YES! I'm still waiting for the Motor Vehicle Bureau to straighten it out.


Photobucket Stoops: So, you're the ASSMAN!


Photobucket Drew: (slyly winks)

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