--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(At the College Station, TX Department of Motor Vehicles)
DMV Teller: Here are your new plates.
Bob Stoops: Thanks.
(opens envelope)
Stoops: Assman? No, no these don't belong to me. I'm not the ASSMAN. I think there's been a mistake.
Teller: What's your name again?
Stoops: Bob Stoops.
Teller: (looking at computer) Bob. Stoops. You ARE the ASSMAN!
Stoops: No, I'm not the ASSMAN.
Teller: Well, as far as the state of Texas is concerned, you are.************************
(Back at Jerry's apartment)
George: Did you get your new plates?
Stoops: Oh, yeah, I got my new plates. But they mixed them up, somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George: What do they say?
Stoops: ASSMAN.
Jerry: ASSMAN?
Stoops: Yeah, ASSMAN, Jerry. I'm Bob Stoops, the ASSMAN.*********************
(ASSMAN walking onto Kyle Field)
Security Guard: Can I help you?
Stoops: Yeah, Coach Bob Stoops, ASSMAN.
Guard: Ohhh, ok. Sorry bout that.
Stoops: Have a good day.***************************
(cut to the sideline, OU trails by 14 with 2 minutes left. OU has the ball, 1st and goal from the A&M 4-yard line)
Stoops: I can't believe how close we are to scoring. We might still win this game.
Estelle: Oh, really?
Stoops: Oh, yeah. I'm gonna call a basic pass play and then hand the ball off to DeMarco Murray 3 times in a row.
Estelle: Oh, well there isn't much time left on the clock. And the Wrecking Crew has already stopped you twice inside the 5.
12th Man: YO ASSMAN!
12th Man: LOOK AT THE ASSMAN!
Estelle: Did he say ASSMAN?
Stoops: Yeah...
Estelle: Ohh... my goodness.
12th Man: HEY THE ASSMAN IS IN TOWN.
Stoops: You got that straight!
Estelle: Boy I didn't know how loud the 12th Man was.(the ASSMAN gets stopped short by the Wrecking Crew)
(long moment of awkwardness)
*****************************
(later that night at Frank's apartment)
Estelle: ..and Stoops made a stupid playcall.
Frank: Stoops made a stupid playcall? You're crazy.
Estelle: I'm not crazy, he ran the same play 3 times in a row inside the 5 and got stopped short.
Frank: He stopped short?
Estelle: (nods)
Frank: That's my move. I'M GONNA KILL HIM!.****************************
(walking down the street, Frank sees Stoop's car, sporting the ASSMAN license plate)
Frank: ASSMAN?!??! I'LL GIVE HIM ASSMAN!!!*********************************
(Frank storms into Jerry's apartment)
Jerry: Mr. Costanza, what's the...
Frank: Where's your friend Stoops?
Jerry: I don't know, why?
Frank: Cuz I'm looking for him, that's why. He stopped short.
Jerry: Well, what do you mean?
Frank: Against A&M, in the redzone. He stopped short. 3 TIMES!. You don't think I know what that's about. That's my old move.I used it against Bo Jackson 24 years ago. I told everybody about it. Everybody knows, ugggghhhhh, I stop short.
Jerry: Stop short? That's a good move.
Frank: YOU'RE NOT KIDDIN, IT'S A GOOD MOVE.(Stoops walks in)
Stoops: HEY, Frank!
Frank: Don't "Frank!" me. I know what you did. How dare you stop short in the redzone?
Stoops: Ahh, Frank, relax. I don't even know what you're talking about.
Frank: YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW, ASSSMAAANN! To think, I almost split the profits on the mansiere with you.
Stoops: Bro!
Frank: MANSIERE!
Stoops: BRO!
Frank: MANSIERE!! YOU...(Frank and ASSMAN begin to grapple. Frank falls, landing on Fucelli Barry Switzer)
Frank: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Jerry: Oh, my god!******************************
(Everyone rushes to the proctologist)
Jerry: If I wasn't there, I wouldn't believe it.
Elaine: Me either.
George: A&M was just the better team. The Wrecking Crew is back!
Jerry: He had to call 3 straight runs.(everyone winces)
Stoops: Jerry, Jerry, come take a look at this. The name on the boat, look at it.
Jerry: ASSMAN!
Stoops: Yeah, he's the ASSMAN. Jerry, he's the ASSMAN.(doctor walks in)
Dr. Scott Drew: Who's the son?
George: I am.
Dr. Drew: Ahh, I'm Dr. Scott Drew. I just want you to know, this won't take long, he's going to be fine.
Stoops: Yeah, excuse me, uh, you didn't by any chance just recently get the wrong license plates?
Dr. Drew: YES! I'm still waiting for the Motor Vehicle Bureau to straighten it out.
Stoops: So, you're the ASSMAN!
Drew: (slyly winks)-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer - The ASSMAN - Watch more Funny Videos
No comments:
Post a Comment